Monday, March 19, 2012

lachrymose fairytale (self reflections)

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This past month in particular has been a lachrymose fairytale, both painfully brilliant in its sharp magnificence and achingly bare as I watched the colors fade away. I went from extreme bouts of joy, daydreaming of my grand summer adventure, proclaiming my excitement to the world, to losing my grip and watching it scatter before me. I was given hard-to-swallow news and in a composed manner excused myself, poised I might add, only allowing a break down when I knew the time would allow for it. I jumped from extreme bouts of joy to extreme lows of sorrow. Woe is me. I cursed the universe because my plan fell apart like I just knew—- knew—- that it would. I've always been falsely optimistic with a hint of cynical-- by this I mean that I feign optimism, which really isn't even the right way to put it because deep in my bones I really do believe the best in people and the situations-- but I always feel that in the back of my mind, things that I yearn for or that I plan will fall through. Granted I've got history on my side here, but it's such an odd place to be.

What’s done is done, and try as I might to forget it, I find reminders of a near-dream in daily occurrences, though it’s questionable how much is there and how much I seek out in a cruel reminder sort of way.

Still in spite of my aches and pains, I fancy myself quite an optimist and hope that I can laugh about this, a sort of laughter without that protective false ring. Would it make sense to call myself an optimistic realist? There it is, that 'optimism' word, floating around again. I catch glimpses of it, almost like the dots you see when you blink a lot in a row-- seeing the auras of them but never quite focusing. It is there but never quite in focus.

Lately I’ve found myself more drawn to shadows in my solitude as I’ve been trapped in the state of cloudy discernment. I’m not particularly happy but not particularly miserable. I suppose the word would be ‘listless’. Nothing ‘bad’ is going on in my life, but nothing remarkably good is either. I feel like I am standing still and watching everything speed by, but at the same time, moments seem to drag.  Things are dreary, and I am stuck in this obscure fog-like middleground—yet in public, I smile and am the chipper, witty, oh-so-positive girl in the dress. I feel that it’s my job to be that rock for others, so to speak, to be that source of light and, with that, to shelter my own darkness and to hide it away. I feel like I can’t be heavy with anyone in particular because it’s not my place. Often I feel like a joke, a girl too consumed in being bubbly and approachable that my storms are shoved away, left to cultivate in the solitude of my bedroom and to whatever soundtrack I may be succumbing to that night.

Such a fickle young thing I am, but I suppose this all comes with the angst of growing up. I wonder how much of this is the norm and how much is an anomaly. Are things really so grey or I do construe the lines? My idle hands seek to set flames for the sake of it.

This isn't in any way me proclaiming misery to the universe, not at all. I have moments of extreme joy, bouts of extreme sadness, and I'm just like any other. It's just lately, I've lacked the extremity of the emotions. I am happy, I think.


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lace dress: forever21
coat: urban outfitters clearance
shoes: shoe carnival (I wear them entirely too much)
apple: lunch!

21 comments:

  1. the railroad tracks in the background of some pics give them an old-times feel...not to mention the lace dress (which is very classy). I have a vintage lace top like that.Very pretty.
    -A

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  2. Hope all is well. You're such a lovely girl, you definitely deserve to be happy.

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  3. I can't say how much it will help but I feel very much the same, lately. (Or maybe for a long time, I'm not sure). <3
    -Andi x

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  4. I'm so so so sorry about the Canada thing :( I am cynical with a hint of optimism (definitely more cynical than optimistic!) I think Murphy's Law is just as much a law of physics as gravity :p But I do think things will work out for you!! In fact, I promise they will <3

    ps. The last line in the 2nd to last paragraph is absolutely beautiful!

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  5. Your writing is so lovely and flows so wonderfully. And it makes me understand what you're going through a little better-- though of course, I'll never know exactly what you're going through right on. But I can understand how you wish to see the best in everything that you can. I tend to trust people too quickly when I most likely shouldn't, or see the best in someone even when in the past they have been not as careful as they should be, for lack of a better term. I hope that you can sort out your feelings. :)

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  6. "I'm happy, I think". I feel that way a lot. I'd like to tell you that that uncertainty disappears as you grow up, but I don't think it does. Don't be afraid to let other people help you with their problems - I was the "rock" for my friends for years, until the day that I fell apart because no one was being my "rock". Take care of yourself beautiful.

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  7. I understand what you mean, life being a bit anti-climactic and all that. the lace dress is lovely by the way. aren't you scared that a train will come?

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  8. "I’m not particularly happy but not particularly miserable. I suppose the word would be ‘listless’. Nothing ‘bad’ is going on in my life, but nothing remarkably good is either. I feel like I am standing still and watching everything speed by, but at the same time, moments seem to drag."

    Feel like I could have written this. Same.

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  9. Been there! Sometimes I feel like I am just living my life without really living it...does that make sense? But then I realize that I have to be the one to initiate change and create the excitement I want in my life. Chin up dear.

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  10. Beautiful photos and absolutely lovely writing, as always! I think that everyone goes through phases where they feel like that sometimes... and you just put it into words so poetically. In the meantime, try and use that feeling to fuel your writing and I'm sure that things will change again soon. Sending a hug your way! :-)

    You should stop by and enter the Spring Giveaway on my blog when you have a moment. :-)

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  11. Would you like to take part in my photo challenge?
    -A
    http://www.ananortcele.blogspot.ca/2012/03/anas-photo-challenge.html

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  12. Listless is an excellent word choice. I know how you feel, I've been there, and visit there quite often. That aside, you look lovely. I always love your rail road track photos.

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  13. I'm so sorry you don't feel the very best you can. You're such a genuine, kind person. You deserve to be happy all the time. Unfortunately, life doesn't really work out like that, but it does have this funny way of making sure everything just ends up okay in the end. Maybe even better than things would have if you had gotten exactly what you wanted. Everything happens for a reason, darling. Maybe you're supposed to fall in love, or learn something important. You never know :]

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  14. Wonderful post and I really like the photos :)xx

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  15. Beautiful dress and gorgeous photos! :)

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  16. YES. Totally get you. You just put it way better than I ever could, so thanks. Also, beautiful pics :)

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  17. Inspiring...I always wanted to have a picture on the railroad tracks xx

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